The expression "interpersonal harmony" does not do the concept I will explain in the following essay complete justice.  The German expressions are "harmonisches zusammenleben" or "harmonisches zusammensein" which translate into "to live and be in harmony with one another."

Much unhappiness would be eradicated if we simply accepted that we have to interact with others on some level.  Yes, there are many introverts who prefer spending their time alone or even practiced "social distancing" before it became a necessity.  However, hardly anyone no matter how reclusive they wish to be, would want to live like Tom Hank's character in the movie Cast Away or to otherwise be some lone pioneer on some new frontier. Humans are pack animals, and we need others.  As gifted as many of us our, we can't provide everything for ourselves and need to rely on others to bake our bread or supply clean water, for example.  And for that reason alone, no matter how insignificant the job may seem, everyone has an integral role in the optimal functioning of a community or society.  

So, now that we understand that we have to interact with one another on some level, how do we best do that?  Here are a few suggestions:

Firstly, try to understand and honor that every human being is equal in the worth and what they deem important to them.  Many problems arise simply as the result of a person not feeling valued.  

Secondly, respect any differences or individual needs, interests, concerns or fears.  Being considerate helps a person feel valued.  

Thirdly, communicate and be prepared to negotiate. Involve them in any decision-making process that affects them and then strive to find a good balance. I purposely use the word balance instead of compromise.    

When people do not feel honored or respected, they have a tendency to become resentful and passive-aggressive and they might even resort to outright sabotage, especially if it turns into a game of covert power and control.  This often starts in childhood when children are simply told what to do regardless of how they feel about it.  

Conversely, when people feel honored and respected, they tend to wish to be more yielding and flexible in terms of collaboration, as there is less of a need to exercise power and control.  

Willpower alone is not always an effective means of changing a habit, but if mindfulness is added to the equation, one increases one's chances of success.  Mindfulness is key to understanding one's motive, in other words, "the why."  Why is one acting a certain way?  Answering this question brings awareness and takes one out of robotic behavior, and the door is opened to more efficient solutions being found.  Also, when one steps back to review the situation, one takes on the role of an observer, thereby temporarily removing and disassociating oneself from it.  From this place, one has the option to override the program, which, over time, will weaken any immediate and automatic reactions as you instead learn to respond.  .  

For example, you snack too much between meals.  You tell yourself to cut back.  You are able to sustain this for a couple days, then you break down and buy more snack food to munch on.   The next time when you find yourself doing this, look deep within and ask yourself why you are.  The reasons might be many; perhaps you are bored; perhaps you are fidgety; perhaps food is your comfort; perhaps food is your distraction; etc.  Be honest with yourself.  Once you have answered your question, that is, once you know why you are acting this way, accept responsibility and invest your energies in finding a more constructive fulfillment of that need.  Yes, it might take discipline.   

In my particular case, I used to often be late for work.  No amount of willpower to leave the house 5 minutes sooner worked; I would snooze away any extra time.  You would think my "why" in this case would be simple - that I was late because I left the house late, but it was also because I went to bed late.  So, the next question to answer, i.e. find a solution to, was why was I going to bed late?  Well, it was because I generally felt like I did not have enough "me time" during the day and tried to make up for it at night.  What I then learned was that it was a question of time management and self-actualization.  Once I brought focus into my schedule to make time to be able to do more activities that actually fulfilled me, such as writing, I then no longer felt like I had to stay up that late anymore.  This allowed for more sleep of a better quality, and I was not as tired anymore in the mornings.  

In short, get to know thyself by taking the time to answer the various "why's" in your life.  There might be a chain of them.  However, once you know the background, you can then better determine the "foreground."  

I developed the following strategy for instances when I find myself blowing the likelihood of a possibility out of proportion and need to bring myself back to center.  

If you ever find yourself caught in the clutches of worry or fear, first ask yourself if the emotion you are experiencing is in response to a real or imagined situation, outcome or threat.

If it is imagined, i.e. you have no concrete proof and you are basing your emotional state off an assumption, figure out how to redirect your thoughts, preferably toward something that solicits a positive response out of you or that gives a sense of achievement.  In other words,  rather than focusing on what does not exist according to your current state of knowledge, instead focus on something where your thoughts and actions can make a difference. This is not avoidance or escapism, but rather ensuring that you do not spiral out of control down the proverbial rabbit hole, whereby you go deeper and deeper in fantasy. 

What makes this tactic effective is that it interrupts the negative thought pattern, weakening it in time and with repeated effort.  Furthermore, it redirects the thoughts to something constructive rather than destructive.

This tactic also gives you back your own power of discernment – where rather than allowing any wild and unchecked emotions to control you, you are instead governed by a cool and rational mind.  

If you still prefer to worry or be fearful of things not based on reality, I would like to point out that continuing to insist on entertaining these thoughts and emotions borders on delusion.  In psychiatry the definition of delusion is a fixed, false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.  

Now let us say your emotion is indeed based on something very real.  The next question to ask yourself is, is there a possibility this might only be temporary?  For example, when I was reading up on the symptoms of chronic fatigue, it was explicitly stated that these systems must have been experienced for at least 6 months for a diagnosis of chronic fatigue to be made. 

We tend to jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts or letting things heal or develop.  Time is known a great healer, and issues and problems often resolve themselves.  In other words, if there is a possibility that whatever you are experiencing is only temporary, take a “watch and wait” approach.  If necessary, define a time where you will revisit and re-evaluate the concern.  Of course, you can still do what you feel would be helpful to your situation, but without proof, do not assume it is permanent.  Even likelihoods and strong possibilities are not realities.  

Now, if the very real situation is permanent or seems that it will be so, then rather than freak out, try to come up with a game plan to work with it.

In summary, whenever your thoughts and emotions seem to be getting the better of you, do the following:
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1)      Determine whether they are imagined or real.
2)      If they are imagined, distract yourself from them.
3)      If they are real, ask yourself if they might be temporary.
4)      If they might be temporary, take a “watch and wait” stance.
5)      If they are permanent, come up with a game plan.
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It is that simple.  View it like a flow chart.  The only thing required of you is the focus and discipline to preoccupy your brain with something else. 

This is an appropriate post for January 1st when many people review their lives and make resolutions and set intentions for how they wish to live in the new year. Some plans in life go through the following series of stages. 

1) Expectation - At the onset there is a certain expectation of a desired result.
2) Motivation - One is usually at first very motivated to work toward that desired result. 
3) Frustration - Then roadblocks may be experienced that make the desired result harder than expected to attain.
4) Realization - At some point, the realization may creep in that the desired result might not be attained after all.  
5) Desperation - A sense of desperation might then be felt and efforts increased.  
6) Resignation - If the added effort still does not lead to the desired result, a person might finally resign.  This final stage is also known as acceptance.  

This example will obviously not apply to all, but all should be able to understand it.  

A twenty-year-old woman expected to one day be married and have children.  After all, she did not foresee it being that difficult as her parents had a happy marriage as did many of her neighbors and all of friends' parents, and this was therefore a reasonable expectation.  So, this young woman naturally assumed that this would simply and automatically happen once she put herself in the dating world, and she enthusiastically embarked on her first romances.  As she was approaching her thirties then, and after her fourth break-up with yet another guy who could not get his act together, she began to realize that finding that perfect mate was not as easy as he parents made it look.  Feeling desperate that her time was beginning to run out, she placed more emphasis on finding a partner than on any other form of growth or development in her own life, so she signed up on dating sites.  Her experiences there, however, were not particularly good, and she met many princes who were actually frogs.  Those with whom she did enter relationships, dragged their heels in regard to commitment and marriage, before finally bolting, costing her additional years.  Now at forty, she is faced with accepting that the image she had of being married with children might never be a reality.  She feels has not other option but to finally concentrate on self-actualization, reaching her own potential regardless of whether she is a wife and mother. 

Making self-actualization one's focus instead of being adamant about how things should be takes pressure off oneself, the situation, and anyone else involved, which then changes the energy dynamic.  In other words, one allows life to happen rather than forcing it to happen.  One might say it is detachment from outcome rather than expectation of it.  What then occurs is creative flow. 

Since the author has not yet ever allowed this to happen in her life, she does not know how the story might potentially continue.  She can come up with a few possible scenarios, but she still has to experience what it is like to simply let the Universe do its thing as a response to her doing her thing.  She encourages you do the same.  

​It is not always that people cannot do something, it is that they either will not or choose not to.  For us, it is important to realize, however, that when someone does not do something, it is not because we are unworthy or that our needs, wishes or requests are unreasonable.  What it usually comes down to are the other person's hang-ups, be these: coping mechanisms such as avoidance; control issues; emotional issues such as hurt, spite, anger and jealousy; immaturity; preoccupation; or their priorities.  Even if we do not often agree with these, they are all perfectly valid for that person.  Where the insanity comes in is when we continue to insist that a reluctant person meets our needs, honors our wishes or fulfills our requests and then feel unworthy, undeserving or unimportant when they do not.

I like using the term hang-up to describe another person's unwillingness.  It makes for good imagery.  Imagine you call up another person to ask them for a favor, and they just hang up on you.  In other words, you cannot get through to them because they put their receiver down.  Now let us elaborate a little on some of the possible hang-ups mentioned above.

1) Coping Mechanisms - This is a blanket term for any behaviors we develop to help us deal with situations where we feel powerless.  Avoidance is a good example. 

2) Control Issues - Control issues are often developed as a means of exercising power. 

3) Emotional Issues - This is when our emotions such as anger or fear either make us or prevent us from doing something.  

4) Immaturity - This is when one has not yet matured and acquired a sense or responsibility. 

5) Preoccupation - This is when we are dealing with our own issues and are unaware of what is going on around us.

​6) Priorities - This is where people choose to invest their time, energy and effort. 

So, when someone is not doing what we feel they should, it is generally due to a combination of the reasons mentioned above.  As painful as it may feel or as disrespectful as it may appear, it is their own personal hang-up and has nothing to do with us.  We also have our own personal hang-ups, and rather than focus on breaking down other people's hang-ups, we should be working through ours.  And interestingly, when we take the focus off of having our needs met by someone else, other people soon become very willing.  

Over the course of my own personal healing journey, I have come to realize that there are many sides and aspects of ourselves that need tending to, and an easy way to view the collective of these parts is as a type of animal menagerie. Yes, we have our own personal animal farm that requires our care.  There are four major players, and a few bit players.  These are: our Monkey Minds; our Inner Swines; our Internal Dragons; the Little Scaredy Cats; and the Rabbit and the Hamster.  Let me introduce them to one by one.  

1)  The Monkey Mind - These are all our unchecked thoughts and the narratives we tell ourselves such as the meanings we give to events and circumstances.  Much of it is made up.   A good way for us to manage the monkey mind is to talk to our thoughts before our thoughts talk to us.  In other words, let's make it a habit to see something positive in any situation.  We direct the focus of the conversation rather than let the monkey run wild.  For example, a significant others arrives 30 minutes late to a planned date.  Our monkey minds might say, "What were they doing in all that time?!  They always does this to me!  I am obviously not that important to them!"   Instead we can manage our monkey minds by saying, "It is so nice to have someone to go out with.  Since punctuality does not appear to be one of their strong suits, the next time I'll give them an earlier meet-up time to give us a cushion, and/or I'll bring something to work on in case I am waiting."  

2)  The Inner Swine -  This is the lazy, undisciplined side of ourselves and is generally comprised of what are deemed "bad" habits and behaviors.  Many self-sabotaging actions can be found here, e.g. not eating healthily, not going to bed on time, arriving to work late, etc.  These, however, can be easily rectified by defining for ourselves what a responsible person would do and then adhering to that. 

3)  The Internal Dragon - This animal is fueled by our anger and tends to be destructive in nature, not just to others, but also to ourselves, its host.  Since anger and creativity are energetically linked, a good way to tame one's Internal Dragon would be creative pursuits that focus your energy in a constructive direction.  

4)  The Scaredy Cat:  These are all our doubts, fears and insecurities that make us feel small.  What is lacking here is often confidence and courage.  Affirmations can be very beneficial in this regard.  Here we can use our monkeys and hamster (see below) for positive self-talk.  

Extras: 

5)  The Rabbit:  This is what goes down the hole when your let the monkeys in your head do the talking.  
6)  The Hamster: This is what runs in place when you don't manage your monkeys. 

There are many self-help programs out there.  Some of us are very visual; we like metaphor and imagery.  If you are such a person, you might try the simple approach of stewarding your own animal kingdom with love, compassion and kindness.  Be the caretaker.  It's pretty easy in any situation to see which of your animals has taken over - Monkeys, Swine, Dragon or Scaredy Cat.  Identify the issue and fix it simply by taking charge.   

Many of us do not have healthy boundaries, for example, we do not readily differentiate between what is theirs and what is ours, and therefore we end up carrying more ​than our share and often more than we can handle.  There are many reasons for this, one being the desire to be appreciated, but it is often the result of a lack of purpose and the search for an outward substitute to give our life meaning.  This is especially true when we do not know who we are, what we stand for and what exactly we are doing, which can make us vulnerable.  Our walls, however, can be fortified just by knowing our own mettle, i.e. what we are made of.  "Mettle" is defined by Merriam dictionary as vigor or strength of spirit or temperament, which I am interpreting as a healthy self-confidence and sense of purpose.  Once we know our purpose, that becomes our business.  When we are running our own business and are acutely aware of our responsibility for its success, we are less prone to overextend ourselves outwardly in terms of our focus and efforts.  We are also careful not to let anything or anyone in that would undermine the business. We can still listen to others, pay them some attention, give them some sound advice, but after a while, we want and need to get back to our own business.  Once we are are confident our business is running efficiently and prosperously, then can we give the start-ups and/or the faltering businesses a helping hand.  

A good example of this would be the addition of a subsidiary.  The German word for subsidiary is "Tochtergesellschaft" which literally translates into "daughter society."  From my experience in the corporate world, subsidiaries are often  financed and promoted by the "mother company" until they are capable of both turning a profit for both and of providing services and supplies for the parent company.  Not having had children myself, I do not speak from experience, but I am sure this concept can easily be transposed to a family structure where parents probably should not be having children until they are fully able to support them and groom them toward independent functioning and living after which the child should ideally provide care for the parents when needed.   

A second example would be partnered companies.  Such companies often partner up with each other in order to mutually expand their service and product portfolios and to gain footholds in additional markets in a type of win-win collaboration. In human terms, partners complement, and even complete, each other in terms of what strengths they have or what they bring to the table.  If one has little to offer or could be viewed as a liability, reputable companies will want nothing to do with one, or if one do not exercise discernment, one might ally yourself with a parasite, instead of an equal partner.  Interestingly, when one truly cares about running one's business well, one is usually able to avoid such leeches and instead apply sound judgment in any negotiations.   

While watching a vlog by my good friends Jocelyn and Adrian of the YouTube channel "Reinventing the Wheel TV," they dropped the expression, "The best revenge is to have a good life."  It might actually have been to lead a happy life, but my brain did not retain the exact wording but rather what they were trying to convey with it.  My interpretation of this is, in short, that instead of living a life in anger or resentment, the best way to get "back" at someone is to simply make the best of the circumstances.  One can even give this a positive twist - rather than thriving despite something, one is thriving because of it!  This helps impart a sense of gratitude.  I choose to look at it this way - everything and everyone placed on my path was put there for a reason so that I might have certain experiences and develop a certain skill set.  Much of what transpires in my life I might never fully understand, or at least not until later.  Whatever cards I am dealt, however, I am determined to play my best hand.  Being a hobby gambler, I have many a time seen a pair of 2's win at poker.  So, let's make the best of what we have.  We don't know the bigger picture.  If we let it, life will reveal itself to us. Let's not focus on how unloved, unworthy, disadvantaged, betrayed or hurt we might feel.  In other words, let's not play the victim.  Also, let's not focus on making life and the people in it pay us back for any perceived wrongdoings toward us.  No one owes us anything.  In fact, everything they either ever did to us or did not do for us was probably a favor.  Here's a little secret... as long as one is alive, everything is possible, so let's not close ourselves off to potential.  And though it might sound cliche, let's choose to focus on the positive.  I believe a lot of anger is misdirected anger.  Actually, one is not angry at life or it's agents (and by agents I mean those people who carry actions out on its behalf), one is angry at oneself for not making the best of it.  Once we make self-improvement instead of self-pity our focus, much of our anger, envy, jealousy and resentment will automatically dissipate.