​It is not always that people cannot do something, it is that they either will not or choose not to.  For us, it is important to realize, however, that when someone does not do something, it is not because we are unworthy or that our needs, wishes or requests are unreasonable.  What it usually comes down to are the other person's hang-ups, be these: coping mechanisms such as avoidance; control issues; emotional issues such as hurt, spite, anger and jealousy; immaturity; preoccupation; or their priorities.  Even if we do not often agree with these, they are all perfectly valid for that person.  Where the insanity comes in is when we continue to insist that a reluctant person meets our needs, honors our wishes or fulfills our requests and then feel unworthy, undeserving or unimportant when they do not.

I like using the term hang-up to describe another person's unwillingness.  It makes for good imagery.  Imagine you call up another person to ask them for a favor, and they just hang up on you.  In other words, you cannot get through to them because they put their receiver down.  Now let us elaborate a little on some of the possible hang-ups mentioned above.

1) Coping Mechanisms - This is a blanket term for any behaviors we develop to help us deal with situations where we feel powerless.  Avoidance is a good example. 

2) Control Issues - Control issues are often developed as a means of exercising power. 

3) Emotional Issues - This is when our emotions such as anger or fear either make us or prevent us from doing something.  

4) Immaturity - This is when one has not yet matured and acquired a sense or responsibility. 

5) Preoccupation - This is when we are dealing with our own issues and are unaware of what is going on around us.

​6) Priorities - This is where people choose to invest their time, energy and effort. 

So, when someone is not doing what we feel they should, it is generally due to a combination of the reasons mentioned above.  As painful as it may feel or as disrespectful as it may appear, it is their own personal hang-up and has nothing to do with us.  We also have our own personal hang-ups, and rather than focus on breaking down other people's hang-ups, we should be working through ours.  And interestingly, when we take the focus off of having our needs met by someone else, other people soon become very willing.  

Over the course of my own personal healing journey, I have come to realize that there are many sides and aspects of ourselves that need tending to, and an easy way to view the collective of these parts is as a type of animal menagerie. Yes, we have our own personal animal farm that requires our care.  There are four major players, and a few bit players.  These are: our Monkey Minds; our Inner Swines; our Internal Dragons; the Little Scaredy Cats; and the Rabbit and the Hamster.  Let me introduce them to one by one.  

1)  The Monkey Mind - These are all our unchecked thoughts and the narratives we tell ourselves such as the meanings we give to events and circumstances.  Much of it is made up.   A good way for us to manage the monkey mind is to talk to our thoughts before our thoughts talk to us.  In other words, let's make it a habit to see something positive in any situation.  We direct the focus of the conversation rather than let the monkey run wild.  For example, a significant others arrives 30 minutes late to a planned date.  Our monkey minds might say, "What were they doing in all that time?!  They always does this to me!  I am obviously not that important to them!"   Instead we can manage our monkey minds by saying, "It is so nice to have someone to go out with.  Since punctuality does not appear to be one of their strong suits, the next time I'll give them an earlier meet-up time to give us a cushion, and/or I'll bring something to work on in case I am waiting."  

2)  The Inner Swine -  This is the lazy, undisciplined side of ourselves and is generally comprised of what are deemed "bad" habits and behaviors.  Many self-sabotaging actions can be found here, e.g. not eating healthily, not going to bed on time, arriving to work late, etc.  These, however, can be easily rectified by defining for ourselves what a responsible person would do and then adhering to that. 

3)  The Internal Dragon - This animal is fueled by our anger and tends to be destructive in nature, not just to others, but also to ourselves, its host.  Since anger and creativity are energetically linked, a good way to tame one's Internal Dragon would be creative pursuits that focus your energy in a constructive direction.  

4)  The Scaredy Cat:  These are all our doubts, fears and insecurities that make us feel small.  What is lacking here is often confidence and courage.  Affirmations can be very beneficial in this regard.  Here we can use our monkeys and hamster (see below) for positive self-talk.  

Extras: 

5)  The Rabbit:  This is what goes down the hole when your let the monkeys in your head do the talking.  
6)  The Hamster: This is what runs in place when you don't manage your monkeys. 

There are many self-help programs out there.  Some of us are very visual; we like metaphor and imagery.  If you are such a person, you might try the simple approach of stewarding your own animal kingdom with love, compassion and kindness.  Be the caretaker.  It's pretty easy in any situation to see which of your animals has taken over - Monkeys, Swine, Dragon or Scaredy Cat.  Identify the issue and fix it simply by taking charge.   

Many of us do not have healthy boundaries, for example, we do not readily differentiate between what is theirs and what is ours, and therefore we end up carrying more ​than our share and often more than we can handle.  There are many reasons for this, one being the desire to be appreciated, but it is often the result of a lack of purpose and the search for an outward substitute to give our life meaning.  This is especially true when we do not know who we are, what we stand for and what exactly we are doing, which can make us vulnerable.  Our walls, however, can be fortified just by knowing our own mettle, i.e. what we are made of.  "Mettle" is defined by Merriam dictionary as vigor or strength of spirit or temperament, which I am interpreting as a healthy self-confidence and sense of purpose.  Once we know our purpose, that becomes our business.  When we are running our own business and are acutely aware of our responsibility for its success, we are less prone to overextend ourselves outwardly in terms of our focus and efforts.  We are also careful not to let anything or anyone in that would undermine the business. We can still listen to others, pay them some attention, give them some sound advice, but after a while, we want and need to get back to our own business.  Once we are are confident our business is running efficiently and prosperously, then can we give the start-ups and/or the faltering businesses a helping hand.  

A good example of this would be the addition of a subsidiary.  The German word for subsidiary is "Tochtergesellschaft" which literally translates into "daughter society."  From my experience in the corporate world, subsidiaries are often  financed and promoted by the "mother company" until they are capable of both turning a profit for both and of providing services and supplies for the parent company.  Not having had children myself, I do not speak from experience, but I am sure this concept can easily be transposed to a family structure where parents probably should not be having children until they are fully able to support them and groom them toward independent functioning and living after which the child should ideally provide care for the parents when needed.   

A second example would be partnered companies.  Such companies often partner up with each other in order to mutually expand their service and product portfolios and to gain footholds in additional markets in a type of win-win collaboration. In human terms, partners complement, and even complete, each other in terms of what strengths they have or what they bring to the table.  If one has little to offer or could be viewed as a liability, reputable companies will want nothing to do with one, or if one do not exercise discernment, one might ally yourself with a parasite, instead of an equal partner.  Interestingly, when one truly cares about running one's business well, one is usually able to avoid such leeches and instead apply sound judgment in any negotiations.   

While watching a vlog by my good friends Jocelyn and Adrian of the YouTube channel "Reinventing the Wheel TV," they dropped the expression, "The best revenge is to have a good life."  It might actually have been to lead a happy life, but my brain did not retain the exact wording but rather what they were trying to convey with it.  My interpretation of this is, in short, that instead of living a life in anger or resentment, the best way to get "back" at someone is to simply make the best of the circumstances.  One can even give this a positive twist - rather than thriving despite something, one is thriving because of it!  This helps impart a sense of gratitude.  I choose to look at it this way - everything and everyone placed on my path was put there for a reason so that I might have certain experiences and develop a certain skill set.  Much of what transpires in my life I might never fully understand, or at least not until later.  Whatever cards I am dealt, however, I am determined to play my best hand.  Being a hobby gambler, I have many a time seen a pair of 2's win at poker.  So, let's make the best of what we have.  We don't know the bigger picture.  If we let it, life will reveal itself to us. Let's not focus on how unloved, unworthy, disadvantaged, betrayed or hurt we might feel.  In other words, let's not play the victim.  Also, let's not focus on making life and the people in it pay us back for any perceived wrongdoings toward us.  No one owes us anything.  In fact, everything they either ever did to us or did not do for us was probably a favor.  Here's a little secret... as long as one is alive, everything is possible, so let's not close ourselves off to potential.  And though it might sound cliche, let's choose to focus on the positive.  I believe a lot of anger is misdirected anger.  Actually, one is not angry at life or it's agents (and by agents I mean those people who carry actions out on its behalf), one is angry at oneself for not making the best of it.  Once we make self-improvement instead of self-pity our focus, much of our anger, envy, jealousy and resentment will automatically dissipate.