It is not always that people cannot do something, it is that they either will not or choose not to. For us, it is important to realize, however, that when someone does not do something, it is not because we are unworthy or that our needs, wishes or requests are unreasonable. What it usually comes down to are the other person's hang-ups, be these: coping mechanisms such as avoidance; control issues; emotional issues such as hurt, spite, anger and jealousy; immaturity; preoccupation; or their priorities. Even if we do not often agree with these, they are all perfectly valid for that person. Where the insanity comes in is when we continue to insist that a reluctant person meets our needs, honors our wishes or fulfills our requests and then feel unworthy, undeserving or unimportant when they do not.
I like using the term hang-up to describe another person's unwillingness. It makes for good imagery. Imagine you call up another person to ask them for a favor, and they just hang up on you. In other words, you cannot get through to them because they put their receiver down. Now let us elaborate a little on some of the possible hang-ups mentioned above.
1) Coping Mechanisms - This is a blanket term for any behaviors we develop to help us deal with situations where we feel powerless. Avoidance is a good example.
2) Control Issues - Control issues are often developed as a means of exercising power.
3) Emotional Issues - This is when our emotions such as anger or fear either make us or prevent us from doing something.
4) Immaturity - This is when one has not yet matured and acquired a sense or responsibility.
5) Preoccupation - This is when we are dealing with our own issues and are unaware of what is going on around us.
6) Priorities - This is where people choose to invest their time, energy and effort.
So, when someone is not doing what we feel they should, it is generally due to a combination of the reasons mentioned above. As painful as it may feel or as disrespectful as it may appear, it is their own personal hang-up and has nothing to do with us. We also have our own personal hang-ups, and rather than focus on breaking down other people's hang-ups, we should be working through ours. And interestingly, when we take the focus off of having our needs met by someone else, other people soon become very willing.
I like using the term hang-up to describe another person's unwillingness. It makes for good imagery. Imagine you call up another person to ask them for a favor, and they just hang up on you. In other words, you cannot get through to them because they put their receiver down. Now let us elaborate a little on some of the possible hang-ups mentioned above.
1) Coping Mechanisms - This is a blanket term for any behaviors we develop to help us deal with situations where we feel powerless. Avoidance is a good example.
2) Control Issues - Control issues are often developed as a means of exercising power.
3) Emotional Issues - This is when our emotions such as anger or fear either make us or prevent us from doing something.
4) Immaturity - This is when one has not yet matured and acquired a sense or responsibility.
5) Preoccupation - This is when we are dealing with our own issues and are unaware of what is going on around us.
6) Priorities - This is where people choose to invest their time, energy and effort.
So, when someone is not doing what we feel they should, it is generally due to a combination of the reasons mentioned above. As painful as it may feel or as disrespectful as it may appear, it is their own personal hang-up and has nothing to do with us. We also have our own personal hang-ups, and rather than focus on breaking down other people's hang-ups, we should be working through ours. And interestingly, when we take the focus off of having our needs met by someone else, other people soon become very willing.